


slowly, then all at once

by tsukiyams



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Tsukishima Kei, Pining, Tsukishima Kei is Bad at Feelings, i rly cant think of many tags for this damnit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-10
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:15:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24114154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsukiyams/pseuds/tsukiyams
Summary: tadashi sleeps; kei stargazes.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 19
Kudos: 205





	slowly, then all at once

**Author's Note:**

> this is 3k words of very boring rambly pining and tsukishima Thinking and Being Pensive. i hope you enjoy.
> 
> (if you're a trashy sap like me, youll know the fic title is a line from john green's the fault in our stars)

(16:04) yamaguchi: tsukki can i come over and study with you today? ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ 

by now, kei knew well that by study, tadashi usually meant 'bring some textbooks to tsukki's house and read about three sentences before getting distracted and wasting hours doing nothing'.

if that wasn't enough, it was a warm and sunny june day, and he didn't really feel like having somebody else in his already stuffy bedroom right now. 

_even so,_

(16:06) tsukishima: do what you want, yamaguchi 

(16:06) yamaguchi: aaa thank you tsukki ill be there soon ok

it's bothersome, thinks kei, but he gets up anyway to sit by the front door and make sure he doesn't miss the knock.

it comes not long after, and when he swings the door open he's met with tadashi with flushed cheeks and short, quick breaths puffing from his mouth.

"did you....run here?" 

"ah, yeah, sorry tsukki! i was practicing a little before coming here too, so that's why i'm out of breath."

kei doesn't say anything, moving aside to let him in and making a mental note to set an alarm for 7pm in case tadashi falls asleep on the floor again and doesn't keep track of time.

"please don't make my bedroom stink of sweat." 

it sounded harsh but his friend knew it wasn't really serious, letting out a quiet laugh and an apology. 

really, kei doesn't care whether he makes his bedroom stink of sweat. tadashi could trash his entire room and kei would still let him come over another day to waste the afternoon.

he never would trash kei's room though, of course. yamaguchi tadashi would die before ever doing something spiteful.

"i can take a shower if it's that bad?" 

"nah. i can deal with it." 

"so selfless, tsukki."

five minutes pass and the maths book the frecked boy brought was already forgotten about, face-down on the floor, as he played around with kei's volleyball. 

"if you're gonna do that, at least go outside and practice properly."

"i'm so tiiiired though," tadashi whined, flopping onto the bed, "i practiced earlier, you know?" 

"tired already?"

really it was kind of hypocritical of kei to tease him about it, his own stamina was probably worse than tadashi's.

"i practiced for hours, tsukki! plus, i forgot to eat today, and it's hot out."

"ah, i see. you're here to leech off my food." 

"no!! i just..." 

he hesitated for a second. 

"just wanted to see you, tsukki." 

"lame, yamaguchi. you saw me just yesterday at school." he teased lightly, a smirk pulling at his lips a little.

"i'm not lame!" tadashi protested, lightly punching kei's arm.

kei appreciates that they feel more like equals now. back when they were kids it'd felt like tadashi was just following him like a little kid following their parent, treating him like more of an authority figure than a friend. back then he wouldn't dream of talking back to kei. 

_it wasn't really his fault, though. back then i was pretty much his safety net._

and he was, as much as he didn't like to think about it. just hanging around with kei made most of the guys at school leave tadashi alone. he was probably scared that if kei got tired of him, the bullying would start up again tenfold.

the thought of little tadashi relying on him, being terrified to lose him, made discomfort crawl up his arms. 

he liked to think it was better now. since getting into high school, the shorter boy has made more friends, as annoying as they are, and no longer feels the need to treat kei like some cool, untouchable senpai or something.

"well," kei started, getting up suddenly, "may as well have something while you're here." 

"what are you getting?" 

"an ice lolly. for you. it's warm today."

"thank you, tsukki!" he clapped gleefully.

"yeah, yeah." tsukki muttered, waving him off. 

the freezing gust of air that hits him when he opens the freezer makes him realise just how hot his face had been. 

_summer heat,_ he thinks idly, grabbing a popsicle and taking the wrapper off.

"you opened the window."

"ah, yeah," the freckled boy began, "your face looked really red before you left the room so i figured we needed some air."

"ah."

yamaguchi beams when kei hands him the frozen treat. when kei sits back down, yamaguchi shuffles up to him and leans on his shoulder. kei doesn't speak.

"you know, i think people who bite popsicles should be put on death row." 

"...shut up, yamaguchi."

yamaguchi is out like a light before he even finishes his popsicle, the stick loose in his grip and the remaining ice slowly slipping off.

his head is in kei's lap now, gently breathing. 

it isn't like he's fast asleep, kei could probably wake him up and tell him to move somewhere else, finish his ice lolly before it drips onto kei's bedsheets, actually study for once during these so called study sessions, et cetera. 

he doesn't though.

instead he pulls his headphones on and puts on whatever music was paused on his phone.

he gently plucks the wooden stick from yamaguchi's grasp and finishes the treat off, trying to ignore the connotations as the ice melts on his tongue. he tells himself it was just to get rid of the thing before his bed got stained. 

he spaces out listening to whatever song it is his headphones are blasting, time passing in slow motion, and when he realises where he is again his hand is on tadashi's head, flicking absently at the cowlick sitting at the top like an antenna. 

_i should probably pull my hand away._

but he doesn't. 

his hand slowly moves, entangling itself in yamaguchi's shaggy locks, before trailing down to his forehead. the searing flesh under kei's fingertips made him wince.

_he's sunburnt. he must have been outside practicing for a long time._

he considered getting a cold rag for the boy's burns, but part of him felt anchored to the bed. _maybe it's okay,_ kei thinks, _if i wait a while longer. maybe just a few more minutes._

just a few more minutes, with his friend's sweaty, sleeping face and his even breaths and the constellations on his cheeks. 

his freckles were a little harder to see through the angry red hue of the sunburn, but the afternoon glow streaming through the window and illuminating his face was enough to make them out, scattered along his nose and cheeks like stars.

 _how could he ever have gotten bullied for these._

it was one of the few things kei still didn't understand, even after all these years. when he stumbled across yamaguchi being bullied, it was sometimes because he was weak, or a crybaby, or a loner, which he understood. but his freckles were somehow also a huge point of ridicule.

so many reasons that made at least some logical sense, and yet these little dots on his skin were what the snotty brats chose to make fun of him for. if anything they were something that stood out in a good way.  
in a cute way, is what he would have thought, if he wasn't tsukishima kei.

he counts the freckles to calm his heartbeat. one, two, three, four. 

it doesn't work. his fingers reach out towards the boy's soft cheeks and his pulse is going fucking crazy, each tiny, barely there, feather-light touch was another twist in his gut. 

yamaguchi tadashi wasn't beautiful, not really. average looking at most. kei still couldn't tear his gaze away no matter what, eyes frantically moving from one insignificant tiny detail to the next. in a panic he tears his glasses from his face and tosses them on the bed. his friend's face becomes an indistinguishable blob and kei relaxes, leaning back slightly on his hands.

_how stupid._

finding himself unable to focus on anything, he starts to drift again. some train of thought he's already forgotten leads him to think again about how things had changed between the two of them. on the outside, it seemed like yamaguchi was always orbitting around kei. following him like a lost puppy. countless people have remarked as such over the years. 

maybe on some level it was like that, especially back in middle school. but kei thinks about how he lets tadashi hang out with him even when kei is too warm and too tired. he thinks about the feeling of tadashi wrenching onto his shirt collar and yelling in his face for the first time. he thinks about how afterwards he'd called tadashi cool, and his shocked expression, and the dull ache in kei's chest. 

he thinks about how he always gets fries when they eat out because he knows tadashi will sneak some from him because they're his favourite. he thinks getting his food stolen is a decent trade-off for seeing the content, victorious grin on his face as he munches happily.

he thinks about the warmth in his cheeks as tadashi stood in the doorway of their middle school gym gushing about how cool kei's brother was.

he thinks about when they'd attended a karasuno match together and a glance towards the other side of the bleachers made kei's whole world crash in front of him. he thinks about how tadashi as a constant by his side was probably the only thing keeping him motivated since then, the unwavering spark in his eyes somehow keeping kei afloat.

he thinks about how in two years' time, saying their last goodbyes to karasuno, he's probably going to follow yamaguchi to university with a flimsy excuse as to why. he's probably going to do it because he doesn't think he'll know how to live without his friend there. he needs it to be the same as always, and he doesn't know why. 

until he does.

the thought is sudden but not really strange, and he takes another glance at tadashi, who's still blurry since he discarded his glasses. his cheek is pressing into kei's thigh. he's acutely aware of how quiet his room has become. each gentle snore feels like the ticking of a clock, and kei, for once, feels the need to fill the silence. 

"i'm in love with you."

he says his thought as if it comes naturally to him. before, the thought had a 'probably' in it. he doesn't know where it went. it wasn't like kei to make brash, loaded confessions, but when you've been debating two points for years on end in your head, sometimes you just want to get to the damn conclusion and be done with it. this was kei's closing statement. he loved yamaguchi. 

great. just great.

some time passes until his chest begins to burn and he realises he'd been holding his breath. 

_he didn't hear._

tadashi seemed to continue sleeping. he doesn't think he wanted tadashi to hear anyway, but there was a slightly stinging feeling of anti-climax. 

it was a relief to say it out loud, but the lack of consequence made it feel just as hollow as if he'd said it all alone. it lacked the satisfying 'crack'. the piercing noise of a whistle ringing through the court. the sound of glass shattering. the feeling of cold hands gripping onto your shirt collar and warm breath too close to your face screaming with a strained, sobbing voice about pride.

when you come to a realisation that changes your life, it's like a truck hitting you in the side. there's no truck this time, just the soft breeze rolling into kei's bedroom, suddenly feeling a little too cold.

 _he deserves someone who can tell him how amazing he is. someone who looks at the sunburn blooming on his skin and tells him how hard he's been working, how much he deserves every victory, to take a damn break._

in any case, tadashi was, generally speaking, a very open person. the type that wouldn't hesitate to tell or show someone he loved them. that was another reason why it was for the best. 

if tadashi was in love with kei, he'd know by now, one way or another. he would have shown it. there's no point. he can't _let_ himself hope. 

when his heart is steady again, he picks up his glasses and puts them on. the clock on the wall reads 7pm. his phone alarm buzzes. yamaguchi still doesn't wake up. kei thinks that's okay. 

he finally pushes his friend's head off his lap. placing it gingerly onto the bed, and leaves to finally get a cold rag for yamaguchi's face. 

(if kei spends another minute or so gazing at yamaguchi's freckles before he leaves, he doesn't think too hard about it.)

when he comes back, yamaguchi is sitting up, blinking drowsily. 

"you should have woken me up, tsukki! i didn't wanna waste your time here."

_you could never waste my time._

"next time don't fall asleep in the first place."

there's no malice in his tone, and tadashi lets out a sleepy giggle, rubbing his eyes. 

kei spares a half hearted glance at the window as he passes the rag to tadashi. 

the sun was sinking into the horizon, the sky awash in pale orange.

"you should go home soon. it's getting late."

kei didn't really want tadashi to leave at all, and tadashi probably knew, since he stayed for another two hours anyway. 

it was probably a good thing. tadashi doesn't say that his joints hurt from practicing or that he's been losing on sleep these past few weeks, but kei knows. he always does.

_the drive in his heart is admirable, but he's still an idiot sometimes, too blindsided by wanting to get better to focus on himself. it's like he gets some kind of tunnel vision._

they didn't do much of anything, as usual. a few futile attempts from tadashi to concentrate on his textbook, kei giving short responses to tadashi's endless rambling as he makes his own school notes. 

when kei's mother brings food in for the both of them, tadashi scoffs it down in minutes. it's disgusting and he's eating much too loudly, but kei doesn't mind. 

and that's just it, isn't it? kei doesn't mind. he doesn't mind that tadashi makes him push himself way harder than he wants, that he follows kei everywhere, that he complains and that he comes over for no reason and that the fire in his eyes is enough to make kei go blind.

"try to eat regularly, yamaguchi. you won't improve on an empty stomach. and for god's sake, put on sunscreen. you aren't five, you can't afford to be reckless."

tadashi puts his hand on his forehead, dramatically fake-fainting. 

"tsukki? caring about the wellbeing of others? geez, i think i need to lay down!" 

kei doesn't like when people act like he's an unfeeling monster or some shit. he doesn't mind quite as much when it's tadashi.

"shut up."

"well, anyway, i'm sorry for not taking better care of myself, but it's hard to remember when i'm just so pumped up, tsukki! once you realise your hard work is starting to pay off, it almost becomes addictive. i just wanna keep on getting better forever, you know?"

kei does know. tadashi was one of the people who re-lit the flame in kei's own eyes, after all.

it's dark out when tadashi is in kei's doorway, getting ready to leave. kei is about to shoot him a simple "bye", and tadashi is about to turn on his heels and walk back home.

a couple of seconds pass. neither of them do anything.

the silence breaks suddenly when tadashi coughs.

"actually, tsukki, i wanna say something before i go."

kei looks him in the eyes, his cue to continue. tadashi's gaze falls to the floor. kei thinks, for a tiny nanosecond, that he might be blushing. 

_don't be stupid. he's just sunburnt._

"the...the moon looks real pretty tonight, tsukki."

kei blinks a few times, before sparing a glance at the inky black sky. 

"it...looks the same as usual."

tadashi buries his face in his hands, groaning a little. 

"n-no, that's not it, i.." 

he flails a little. kei manages to lock eyes with him, and it seemed to calm tadashi down a little.

"tsukki, i..."

in any other situation, kei would make a comment about spitting it out, how it's cold out here, tell tadashi to get home before it gets any darker.

he can read the room, though. 

tadashi's eyes are scrunched shut, his nose wrinkling and hands balled into fists. kei waits.

"i'm in love with you too, tsukki."

the tension in tadashi's shoulders dissipates. his eyes crack open slowly as if he's afraid of kei's reaction. 

_i'm in love with you too, tsukki._

it sounded a little like a foreign language in the few seconds kei takes to process the words. 

_so he was awake._

this time, the truck did hit. fashionably late, kei thinks.

when you spend many, many years believing something, the signs it may not be true will often pass you by. 

akiteru is the ace of karasuno, volleyball is just a club, and yamaguchi tadashi is not in love with tsukishima kei.

when cold, hard proof presents itself, when your belief is shattered by force after becoming all but a fucking part of you, the signs from before start to feel a little more obvious. hindsight is 20/20 after all.

a million flashes play in his brain of tadashi, the words he's said, the expressions, his unwavering loyalty spread over years of hardship and tears and struggles.

_if tadashi was in love with kei, he would have shown it._

he recalls every sign with terrifying clarity, heart dropping further and further with each split second memory, wondering how the hell this got by him when he's usually so _good_ at reading people.

kei realises when he snaps out of his daze that tadashi is walking away, and kei feels a little ridiculous because he probably stood there staring into space while poor tadashi was waiting there for a response after working up the courage to confess. 

_real courage,_ kei thinks bitterly, _not a confession that's barely above a whisper, spoken to a sleeping face._

well, apparently not sleeping, but whatever.

he stares at his best friend's retreating back. he swallows his pride.

"yamaguchi."

he can't raise his voice, the cotton in his throat is too thick. tadashi hears anyway.

when they're facing each other again and tadashi is close enough that kei can hear his heartbeat (or maybe it's his own), kei's words die in his mouth. 

he thinks, briefly, about all the things he could say. 

_i don't love you._

_i don't know what you're talking about._

_you were just dreaming._

_you weren't supposed to hear._

_why would you ever love someone like me._

in any other situation, on any other day, at any other time, kei would have spoken. this can't possibly last. tadashi needs someone who can help him flourish. they can't really be happy. not forever. 

the moonlight makes him feel a little invincible. the street lights behind tadashi light up his hair and face. his freckles seem to glow like stars, and kei realises that nothing feels real at the moment.

he doesn't say anything. he stills tadashi's shoulders and leans down. their lips collide, and kei lets the feeling consume him.

the vulnerability gets a little too much after a few seconds, tadashi's lips too warm, the wind too cold, everything much too tender. 

kei pulls away, and through the fog of his glasses he looks at the love of his life.

tadashi beams, and it's like a goddamn supernova.

kei doesn't deserve this. there's still the voice in his head, the beast of self doubt gnawing at his brain.

"like i said," whispers tadashi, cupping kei's cheek, "the moon looks beautiful tonight."

kei chuckles when he realises what tadashi was trying to say, hoping the warmth in his face wasn't so obvious in the dark. 

"so do the stars," kei mumbles.

his voice is still rough and overwhelmed, and tadashi laughs with his whole body when he hears it. his elated smile shines out of his face, and when he catches his breath, he looks at the taller boy again. tadashi's eyes are softer and fonder than ever.

kei knows he doesn't deserve this. 

but he thinks that just this once, he can let himself have it.

**Author's Note:**

> i did tell you itd be boring  
> u kno i kinda feel like this is too similar to other tkym fics ive read before, im always v paranoid that i accidentally plagiarised or something so if theres any lines that seem too similar to other fics youve read before please lmk because i dont want to have subconsciously copied someone else w/o realising 
> 
> i also feel like i made tsukki a bit ooc.... idk im not v good at writing a stoic standoffish pov because im not that kinda person
> 
> also the "the moon looks pretty tonight" is an allusion to the thing in japanese culture where they use that phrase to indirectly confess their love but its also because moon is 'tsuki' in japanese.....and .... tsukki..is his name....yea
> 
> anyways thank you for reading! comments n kudos are appreciated 💕


End file.
